I’ve been on this self-help/healing path for a long time now– decades. So when something shifts, an idea that’s been percolating for—oh three or four years—finally solidifies, it’s pretty exciting. Last week, Thursday night to be exact as I was brushing my teeth, something started to shift within me. It felt a bit like the old Tetras game when you watch all the pieces sort themselves out.
Using self-hypnosis, I’ve been able to isolate the emotions that compel me to overeat, but there has been a missing piece. Thursday was significant only in that it was a busy out-in-the-world kind of day. I had yoga in the morning, something I used to be really good at but since I’ve regrown a belly, I’ve felt a little conspicuous. Later, I taught a creative writing class, and in the evening attended a weight loss group where we each have a few minutes to check in with how our week has gone. Each of these activities was a lot of fun and interesting. When I got home at 7 pm, however, I ate a regular dinner, and then had some chips, peanuts, two small pieces of dark chocolate and three glasses of wine.
As I brushed my teeth, it struck me that the day had held low voltage stress because all through the day I’d been in situations where I felt watched. The next thought that fell into place was that I grew up with an expectation of having to be nearly perfect in all things. But also, as the youngest and most quiet of four siblings, the other three all incredibly smart and talented (read: straight A students and accomplished musicians), I tended to not attract a lot of attention. Not that this is how it literally was in my growing up years, but how it felt to me. I got left out of a lot of things, and when my accomplishments were noticed, they were accompanied by suggestions of how I could have done better. Now, I know I came into this life with a purpose of working on perfectionism, so it makes sense that if there were compliments and praise, I tended not to pick up on it, but rather, heard the bad stuff. Over the years, then, getting noticed, good or bad, has become a trigger, a stressor and I cope by going numb. How do I go numb? I eat, have a drink, watch TV.
So the next thought that came to me was I needed a new response to this trigger—that is what you do in hypnotherapy. If the trigger tells you to get a cookie, the new response to that same trigger could be—go get a cool, refreshing glass of ice water. That thought, however, was gently pushed aside by a new one—what if I am ready to let go of the trigger?
What did that even mean? Well, I chatted with myself as if I were a client, what if you were ready to give up the worry of being watched. What are the consequences? I might misbehave. I might get out of hand, cause a stir, unset the apple cart, dance naked on the table, say something unforgivable.
I asked the part of myself who has collected all of this guilt and shame from past failures if it might be time to let that stuff go. What would happen? I’d forget the lessons they taught and do them again. I’d not practice hard enough. I’d lose my edge. I’d be late for meetings. I’d lose my practice and be forced to live on the edge of society as an outcast. After all, that is the positive power of shame and guilt—it teaches us how to live in a community.
And the loving voice of my highest self whispered to me a secret.
Guilt and shame are useful in getting our attention and helping us to make adjustments, but we are not to hold them for long—they become toxic. Rather, right behavior comes not from fear, but from love and compassion and integrity. That voice reassured me that I have love and compassion and integrity. I do not need fear anymore. I do not need shame or guilt.
From the depths of my being, up rose a parade of memories of times I’d been ashamed, memories spanning the breadth of my life from the age of three to something that happened only last week. Up and up they came. The part of myself that has been holding these memories so tightly began to release them all.
I know better than to think this is the end of the whole emotional eating struggle. New habits are waiting to be created and straggling shameful memories may have yet to surface and be released. I also know a big shift when I feel it inside though. This feels big.
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